to people through dreams...and last night, God spoke to me!
It was the most WONDERFUL dream, different than any others that I have experienced that are SIMILAR to this one...and it was actually quite simple. There was me, and there was God, my Father...just the two of us...and I ran to my Father, and He embraced me.
Then He talked to me. Very simple words. "It's hard to do it on your own, isn't it?" Very very simple words. But they penetrated my heart becasue I KNEW they were true...I kinda nodded my head, and then I just spent time with my Father, knowing that He would carry me, and knowing that I couldn't do anything without Him...
I didn't wake up and write the dream like I normally would, but I woke up later still thinking about the dream. And I pondered what it meant. God was right...He always is right :) But seriously, thinking about what He said..."it's hard to do it on your own..."
Was that TRUE in my life?? Was I really trying to make it all on my own? YES!!! This week was the first week of school for me, and I would be lying to say that I had been in the Word all week...and you may argue wiht me and say that you are with God if you're praying and stuff...but let me tell you, Jesus exalted the Word of God ABOVE HIS OWN NAME and you're telling me that you can live WITHOUT IT??? I don't think so!!!
But yet, that was what i'd been trying to do...and i'd been living on other ppl's excuses for why I wasn't reading the Word...well let me tell you, LIFE SUCKS without the WORD! TOTALLY SUCKS!!! And I was exhausted, and I faced some pretty big inner demons this week...and WONDERED why I was struggling. I wondered why Erik and I were fighting, and I just wondered why things weren't going well...
The reason??? I was trying to live life on my OWN strength...do you know what I realized today as I was driving to church??? IT ISN"T POSSIBLE TO LIVE LIFE ON YOUR OWN STRENGTH!!! I am made of the dust of the earth---and without GOD, i am NOTHING...i was born of the dust of the earth, and I will return to that...do you know how FRAGILE dust is??? (if you don't try building a sand castle with dry sand...ISN"T GONNA HAPPEN!) I am NOTHING without CHRIST!!! HE ALONE gives me strength and life!!!
Realizing that was a pretty cool revelation for me, and I entered into worship this morning just desiring to see the Holy Spirit move :) Well, the Holy Spirit DID move, and I feel He always does whenever there are OPEN hearts...but this morning was COOL...worship started before the service "officially" started...it was SOOOOO COOL!!! But LInda went out to get her personal worship CD, and she played this song that really spoke into my heart...
As the worship service progressed, GOd really spoke to my heart about trust...and I learned that NO MATTER WHAT, I just have to trust God...He will protect me through it all. I think that Job is probably one of the best cases of this (although Abraham is a really good example too)...but Job lost EVERYTHING because of the evil satan...and he was tested for a long while. In the end, because Job was faithful, everything was returned to him tenfold!
It made me wonder where my own trust level was at...is my security in my job and in my husband's job, OR is it where it should be...IN THE LORD...and I wonder, where would my heart be if we were to lose everything??? I couldn't answer it completely right now...actually I could, at the time my heart was dealing with this, I was begging God to not let us lose our jobs...especially Erik's.
So I suppose right now, my security isn't where it should be...and that's something that I should work on. My trust needs to lie in CHRIST ALONE...because He has ordered the steps of the righteous, and I trust him to lead me where I should go. And you know what, there are other places in the Bible where it talks about if ten thousand fall around me, I will still stand...which is pretty cool. But I have to have my trust in the right place and not allow an open door for satan.
This is good. God is teaching my heart.
Today also in the song service, I found myself stepping out of my comfort zone...in the midst of everything, and God speakign to my heart, and ministering to my situation..and me trying to give up the world and surrender completely to the Lord...I had a sort of "flesh/spirit" battle. My spirit felt like kneeling before the Lord in worship...and my flesh was fighting saying "what will people think?" Then my flesh became more willing but it still put up an argument..."can I really kneel before you Lord?? Is it okay??? Can I do it now??? Is it appropriate, etc..." My flesh is ANNOYING!!! But praise God, my spirit won the battle, and I was on my knees...and I let go for a while...it was pretty cool. A part of me just wanted for that part of service to go on FOREVER...to just spend time before the Lord...because today it was AWESOME, and it touched my heart...
And we sang the song "I surrender" and we had the opportunity to really surrender our lives to the Father...all of it, good and bad. I thought about school and the people I work with, and I thought a lot about what's been spoken to me about Erik and his job lately...and I had to think about really giving it all up...because you know what, to LIVE FREELY, we have to be willing to take up the yoke of Christ!!! Because his burden is easy and His yoke is light....what's the point in carrying the WORLD with us??? No point!!
Then, God brought us a WONDERFUL message about the difference between praise and worship :) We examined the Hebrew words, and both of them involve movement. Praise involves moving your hands to the Father, and thanking Him...and WORSHIP, is where you actually fall prostrate before the Father---who knew??? It's awesome!
Later in the sermon, God just really blessed my heart...Linda began sharing about these times she's really seen moves of the Holy Spirit, and about that time, my heart began to just break...God allowed me to cry, and cry, and cry...for apparently no reason at all. But i've learned since going to PHCC that when I cry, God's releasing things in my life, and I am being FREED from those nasty chains and burdens that have held me captive!!! (total answered prayer from the song service, btw!)
At the end, we were told to just praise God from our hearts...and to actually VOICE what we were thankful for...and that was it...waterworks on Kristi were beginning. Because all I can be is thankful. Even though i've been a complete and total screwup for these past few months, nad I've been really stupid on some decisions--MY WONDERFUL FATHER...GOD...AWESOME CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH...AUTHOR OF MY SALVATION...He forgives me. HE GIVE ME SECOND AND THIRD AND MILLIONTH CHANCES...and He was THERE to meet me this morning. And not only was He there, GOD WAS THERE WITH OPEN ARMS...ready to meet me...ready to forgive me, and ready, like always, to LOVE me...AMAZING!!!
Most of the time, when I realize the awesome love of Jesus, it's too much for my flesh to bear, and I cry...this was the case this morning, and I cried...and cried and cried...and although wonderful people from the church came to check on me, I had no words...GOd was dealing with my heart, and I was being blessed...and it was GOOD...no beyond good...it was something that our flesh can't describe...Linda came by later and just commented that I was basking in the glory of the Spirit...yeah, something like that :)
God was THERE this morning....God met us where we were, and gave us a chance to get to know Him better...and not only that, but gave us a chance to understand better HOW to Worship Him...it was awesome :) And you know what else?? I think that during this, God delivered me from my inner demons..and I know that i'm not walking alone...my Heavenly Father is there to carry me all the way...
Fully Rely on God...trust Him completely, and just allow HIM to order your steps :)
It's all good :) And God is AWESOME!!!
Love you all!
God bless!
Kristi
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