Two Things God Has Been Teaching Me About

Matthew 22: 34-39 taken from the New Spirit Filled Life Bible, NKJV

34 But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducee's, they gathered together. 35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying,36 "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?"

37 Jesus said to him, "you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." 38 "This is the first and great commandment." 39 "And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

This is the first thing that God has been dealing with me on. Actually, it's something that I think was quite interesting. Last night, as I laid in bed thinking, I told God that I was just going to lay there and listen to His voice. I didn't know what would happen, and I can't assure you that I was really expecting anything like what I was told, but it was nice :) Come expecting!

Anyway, it wasn't this long, drawn-out thing that I heard spoken to my heart. It was very short and sweet. But it has had me thinking ever since then, and I knew that one of the first things that I needed to do this morning was continue to think about it. So without further ado, let me share with you what I heard last night, and then share my own personal applications of this.

I guess when I really look at it, what I heard from God was a simple question "How much do you love yourself?" Now, if you look at the above verses, you see the two great commandments on which all the other commandments are built. God has already been dealing with me on the first one, and that is something I don't care to share at this point. However, I wasn't expecting for Him to teach me about the second commandment as well.

"You shall love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." How much do I love myself??? I'd like to say that after 24, almost 25 years of life and struggles with all kinds of crazy things that I've inflicted on myself that I could say "Lord, you know that I love myself..." BUT, unfortunately, that wasn't the case with last night. Because in all of my progress, God revealed to me a part of my heart that I had been trying to hide from myself...have you ever noticed the cool thing about God? He knows EVERYTHING, and he searches our hearts...and when we think we've hidden things (even from ourself), if you really seek God, you can learn about yourself what you didn't even realize.

Well, that was the case last night, and I'm going to just lay it out here...if you're a guy, then you might not understand this. If you're a girl, you might not even understand this. But I'm going to try. Please know, however, that this deals with something DEEP in my life that's been a struggle since the 7Th grade...it's something I've been dealing with and with the power of the Holy Spirit, overcoming. But to be truly healed, God has to search the deepest parts of your heart, and you have to be willing to be healed...I think last night was part of the searching part...

As I said earlier, when I heard that question in my heart, I really wanted to say that it was a stupid question because of course I loved myself. I mean seriously, look where I was a year ago, right? For those of you who didn't know me very well last year, consider yourself blessed that you know the "new Kristi" instead of the "old Kristi."

Funny thing about when you are allowing God to speak to your heart. You can't hide anything...and when God reveals something to you, you can't hide from your heart anymore. That was the case last night. When I told God that I love myself, I was met with a really big "REALLY?" And immediately, my heart was convicted.

satan has a picture book that he uses to torment us with our past (did you know you can tell him to shut up?) BUT GOD has a picture book that He uses to teach us :) And when we see God's picture book of our lives, and look at things through HIS eyes, we can begin to turn around and repent...praise God!

I didn't really like looking at what I saw last night. What I saw was a WHOLE BUNCH of covering up things, trying to make them LOOK better than the truth. If you know my history, you know that I spent much of my middle school years, high school years, and even college years being an on again/off again anorexic. And that left me with some pretty MAJOR body image issues...and i won't go into them here because you wouldn't understand them even if I tried. Just know that if you HAVEN"T been down an eating disorder road where it messes with your head, consider yourself BLESSED!

I have prided (pride cometh before a fall! Wish I would have remembered THAT one earlier!) myself on being FREE from this bondage for the last year since becoming Spirit-filled. What i didn't realize was that I haven't really released the POWER of the Holy Spirit in that area of my life...and instead of recovering from the inside out, I found another way to destroy my body, thus proving how much I "love" my body...well you know what, the way I "love" myself " most certainly WAS NOT the agape love that God wants us to have...I don't know what i was defining "love" as, but it certainly wasn't anything from God...

Upon looking for just a few seconds, I realized with some disgust at what I'd been doing in response to His two commandments...and it wasn't very pretty. THANK GOD THAT WE SERVE A MERCIFUL GOD!!!!

Do you know what I saw as I looked and listened to God last night? I saw that I had begun another self-destructive process...and although I wasn't destroying my body through starvation, I was destroying it in other ways...and my way of thinking was TWISTED (again, this part I can't share with you, it wouldn't make sense to you)

BUT, just as our God is a merciful God, He has also provided a way out from this bondage...and all I had to do was listen.

That's probably the BEST thing I've learned at PHCC this past year...WE put ourselves in bondage. As a saved Christian, I don't have to live under all this CRAP....I've been set FREE BECAUSE my Father sent his SON to die for MY sins...and when Jesus died on the cross, He took it ALL....my sickness, my pain, all the ugly in the world....my disgusting sin...ALL of it...and He didn't just take mine, HE TOOK EVERY ONE'S....can you even IMAGINE that?? I can't. But God did it for ALL OF US...through his Son, CHRIST JESUS, the RISEN LORD, God provided a way for us to go back to Him...

And when you realize that you've been set free because the price has been paid, it gradually begins to sink into your heart that you don't have to live with all the pain and stuff...we bring that on ourselves...but it's NOT what God wants for us...

Jesus said in Matthew 11:29-30:

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Read that verse again. Let it sink in. Do you really think that a life full of sickness, and stress, and disgust for your own body (as has been my case for years), is the life that GOD desires for us???

NO!!!!!

God wants us to learn from HIM! And when we DO, He promises us (in that same verse) that we will find rest for our souls...

Last night, God was beginning to lead me to that "rest" for my soul...I just have to listen to what He taught me and let go of the chains that I've put back on myself....

I wonder if any of you guys are still holding onto your chains....why not go to God about them and just let HIM teach you about them? It might not be pretty at first, ESPECIALLY when you start to see what you've been hiding....but keep your mind on the PROMISE...YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOUL....

I want that rest. I don't want my own burden...I want the one Jesus has which is an easy yoke and a light burden....what about you?

*I know that I promised TWO things God has been teaching me about, BUT, the second one will have to wait...let this talk to your heart for a while...